


Alive

by connorssock



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: But they can perhaps pull each other out of the hole, Deviant Connor (Detroit: Become Human), Gen, Maladaptive Coping, Not quite suicide attempt, Poor Connor, Sad Connor, Suicidal Thoughts, Two fuck ups don't make one less fuck up, but definitely playing with fire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-05
Updated: 2018-10-05
Packaged: 2019-07-25 13:14:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16198247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/connorssock/pseuds/connorssock
Summary: Usually it was Connor walking in on Hank playing Russian Roulette in the kitchen. But one day Hank is the one walking in on Connor.





	Alive

It wasn’t often that Hank came home after Connor. He could see the TV flickering through the window, Sumo stretched out on the ground but no sing of the android. The door opened on silent hinges and Hank navigated the darkness of the house. There was a noise from the kitchen and he followed it, hoping to surprise Connor. Instead he was the one with a surprise in store. As he peered around the kitchen door he saw Connor sat much like Hank himself used to do at the table. There was a mug of thirium next to him, the edges of the white mug stained blue where Connor had taken sips. Next to the mug was Connor’s fidget coin, sat in a splash of thirium and alongside it sat a now deactivated LED. That in itself made Hank’s eyebrows shoot up into his hairline, Connor had been adamant about keeping his LED but another look revealed his temple blank and smooth like a human’s.

Before Hank could step into the room Connor let out a bitter laugh and his hands moved to his shirt which was open and soaked blue. It made Hank pause in horror, so much thirium everywhere and now that he looked around the room he saw splashes of it all across the floor, on the table and the kitchen counter too. There was no sign of a struggle though and Hank’s eyes were drawn back to Connor’s blue fingers slipping across his chest and grasping. The thirium pump came out with a wet squelch and blue blood flowed sluggishly from the hole. Like many times before with his coin, Connor rolled it across the back of his knuckles, passed it from hand to hand deftly.

Seconds ticked by and Hank was rooted to the spot. He watched with desperation as the minute before shut down ticked by.

“Five, four, three,” Connor counted and just before he got to one the pump slid back into its place. He left a blue hand print on the mug as he took a sip and picked up his coin for a moment.

It didn’t feel right to interrupt him but Hank couldn’t easily just leave him there either. He wondered what could have happened to make the android fall into such a spiral. Thoughts and idea buzzed around his mind and he almost missed Connor pulling out his pump.

“Fifteen, fourteen,” Connor counted out loud and on twelve he hurled the pumps across the room. It bounced off the wall with a splatter of bright blue. Hank’s blood ran ice cold. He lurched into action, burst through the door and rushed to find the pump on his hands and knees.

“Where is it?” Hank yelled, frantically swivelling his head to search where the pump had rolled to.

“Seven, six,” Connor’s voice was flat and devoid of any emotion as he pushed away from the table and took a few steps towards Hank.

His fingers closed around the pump, covered in dust but there was no time to worry about it. Hank stood and blew on the component, hand slipping from the slick thirium that coated it.

“Two, one,” Connor’s eyes slipped shut as Hank pushed the pump back in and twisted it. After what felt like an eternity of standing and watching Connor, waiting to see if he’d fall or reboot his eyes snapped open.

“Lieutenant,” he said.

“You dumb idiot, are you trying to kill yourself?” Hank shouted at him, panic morphing into a well of anger. Connor did not get to die on him. Did not get to worm his way into Hank’s chipped marble heart only to shatter it from the inside. His hands gripped Connor’s shoulders and shook him once.

Opposite him Connor blinked slowly. His lips moved as if to form words but nothing came out. Despite being built from components and claiming to be a machine it was the most human Hank had seen him. His lips twitched downwards while his eyes were dull and flat, devoid of all optimism and curiosity that Hank had grown used to seeing in them. There was nothing there, no hope, no desire, nothing and Hank had just yelled at him to boot.

“I’m sorry,” Connor finally managed to bite out and his knees gave way. They all but crashed onto the kitchen floor, clothes soaking through with thirium. There were no words that Hank could offer, they all sounded too shallow, too hollow to his ears. Times when their roles had been reversed sprang to his mind, knowing that no words could ease his own misery in that moment. Nothing said or done could pull him from the pit of despair. So he did the only thing he could, he held onto Connor, pulled him against his chest and waited, tucked Connor’s head under his chin. While all literature said androids didn’t cry, in his lap Connor was doing his hardest to prove them wrong. Hank brushed a hand through his hair and tried to soothe him, help the trembling sobs to quieten.

“Why Connor? Why?” he murmured into his hair.

“It’s how you cope,” Connor’s voice was hoarse and barely audible. The reply still made Hank’s hands freeze and something squeezed around his heart. A muffled hiccough signalled the start of Connor’s misery again and Hank pulled him closer. Guilt gnawed at him as he was given an appreciation of what being on the other side of his drunken suicidal games was like. He hated it. If he could change he would because he knew that while Connor as a machine hadn’t been affected by it, now, as a deviant, he experienced emotions like a human would. The realisation hurt and Hank desperately wished things could be different. Rather than wallow in it though he had Connor to focus on.

“You know I’m no shining example to follow,” he huffed gruffly. “What did you need to cope with? Why did you do it?”

“I just,” Connor’s voice broke off, “I wanted to feel. I wanted to feel alive.”

**Author's Note:**

> Still just paddling on the edges of the fandom and finding my feet - here and on tumblr as @connorssock.


End file.
